I haven't posted in quite sometime since I've been struggling with internal issues. My mind is on overdrive, yet I still have to face people on a daily basis. I don't have the luxury to shut everyone out and dwell on everything. I don't even have the luxury to mourn over Elfie's passing. I need this week to clear my head and figure out what is best for me. Sorry if that is selfish, but it's what I need.

I have been hiding out at Mom and Dad's a lot lately simply because I don't want to deal. I don't want to deal with the fact that we are losing our place in 3 weeks. I don't want to deal with watching Ben not caring that we literally blown through our savings and now I cannot go back to school this fall. I cannot deal with the fact that I'm feeling resentful and bitter, and want nothing to do with life for awhile. I go to Mom and Dad's and I get sympathy, and I feel like a failure. I hate asking for help.

I have a couple of phone calls to make tomorrow as a last attempt for a possible job in NC, then it's packing up our lives in boxes and living with the parents for a couple months.

Well, still playing the waiting game for any job openings in NC. Interviews have been done, now just waiting on callbacks for either Ben or myself. If we don't hear something from Ben's interview by tomorrow afternoon, he's going to email to make sure they are still considering him as a possible candidate. I have the opportunity to meet with my future employers of Pier One in NC, but I actually have to travel 8 1/2 hours for a half day interview, and then have another day of traveling back. I won't be able to do anything until after the 6th, with my boss being gone for a couple weeks.

Which reminds me, things are actually better at work. I was able to hash things out with my boss the other week after my venting to what I thought was a confidential talk with an Associate, came out to bite me in the ass. So, after talking it out with her, we are actually cool with each other. She calls me randomly and we chit chat at work like we used to before all the drama hit.

I've learned not to think everyone will keep things to themselves. I work with a few "people pleasers" and will stop at nothing to have everyone like them, and will step on whoever they can to get everyone on their side.

Ok, as excited as I was that we had found a place in NC, we have been placed on a waiting list due to our finances being a little lower than expected. I really wanted to move by the end of this month, but I cannot verify that we have a year's worth of rent, so we are still job hunting.

I was beyond pissed when I found out that my boss had already hired someone as my replacement while I was looking for a place in NC. When I got back, I said I found a place, but still hadn't secured the loan. When the loan didn't go through, she got all in a huffy about me changing my story. What story?? I didn't say we were moving tomorrow. I'm not leaving them right this second, but I have a feeling when I mentioned I wanted to leave by the end of June, that she took it upon herself to erase me from the schedule. It's not like I don't do my job, but I'm not going above and beyond for that place when I receive little or no recognition.

I'm done.

Had a superb evening with A, driving around and talking of days passed. Never boring with the two of us running all over town just to get ice cream. Just the few hours spent hanging out wiht her, makes me realize I miss my friends from high school. Our 10 year reunion is coming up fast, and I will only go if I can gather the old gang back to meet up.

We are now moving to NC! Ben and I are on a massive job hunt and hope to move down to Wilmington by the end of next month or the beginning of July. I want more than anything to be there for our anniversary, so we can finally relax.

There are still some medical problems in the family, which I'm hoping to see some changes before leaving WV. I feel guilty for leaving, but I've already been told that I've put off my dream long enough to be here as a support, and now it's my time to go.

Keep hoping for the best...

Finals week next week...then I'm working all freaking weekend cause my boss is being a bitch...then I'm heading off to NC to apt hunt the week of the 18th! Insanity!!

If I can just get through the next week...please...let luck be on my side and we sign a lease...so I can come back and give my 2 weeks notice. I'm just so over all of it.

I always seem to do this whenever I'm getting incredibly tired, ah well. A lot has happened since January: Ben lost his job, so we have to use the money that was supposed to be used for my fall tuition to find another place and to pay some bills. I will again have to put my degree on hold since this all came about, so as of May, I will be done till we either move out of WV, or he finds a job, or both.

I'm so damn close, and I spent so much money, but all of that is in vain since I cannot even get one step closer to my dream. Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!

So, we have until June to fully decide where the hell we are going to go. The money I put into savings can only take us for maybe 6 months...at the very least. He's done all he can for now, so we are playing the waiting game. With the way things are now, I hardly doubt we'll find something where we want to go. I've even started putting in resumes for anything and everything lab related so I can at least get more lab experience under my belt before attempting to finish any type of degree. I just want to be done.

I'm completely confuzzled.

The last few days have been insane. Between my long hours at school, and the insanely long hours from being held up at work, I shocked to see myself not collapsing into the fetal position. I finished my presentation for my seminar class tonight. Around 18 slides on my Powerpoint presentation, 3 papers typed with 2 articles on my topic. Just need to add a couple of notecards for extra assurance, and I'm ready for my 20 minute presentation that is the goodness of whales, polar bears and seals. I'm nervous as Hades to present everything, but I'm just ready for it to be done. After this presentation, I have my 40 minute presentation to present in about 6 weeks. Oy. My brain will be mush before the semester is over.

Overall, things are going ok. Valentine's Day sucked since I had to work, so I came home around 5pm and was in my pj's by 6pm. Ben bought me Angel Season 4, and we just sat and watched it for about 3 hours straight. Not too bad, but still rather blah. I did get some gorgeous tiger striped roses and a box of chocolates! :)

Now if I can get through this Friday, then I'm off for the weekend. Some well deserve rest is needed.

I was really hoping class would be cancelled today. I honestly don't see the point of driving an hour for a 2 hour class, then driving back and heading to work for 4 hours. I'm only on week 2 and I'm dragging.

I'm back in school for my 2nd semester. Normally I wouldn't mind it, but I'm up at 5:30am driving in the freezing cold weather to class. My schedule is not so bad this time around, but the early mornings are going to kill me.

Already, I'm getting into the groove of doing homework when I get home around 5:00. Now if I can just get used to going to bed at 10pm. hmmm.

I've been reconnecting with people from my past the last few weeks. Found my ex-boyfriend's younger brother online, and still keeping tabs on past relationships. I figured 8+ years is long enough for a grudge, so I'm willing to let things go.

Overall, things are looking up. Still hoping to hear something from UNC-W, and still looking for a job down there. If all goes well, I'll just transfer all of my credits to that school and finish bachelor's and master's degrees.

So I have been thinking of writing again lately. A friend of mine actually told me that I should go back to something that made me happy rather than dwelling on all of my personal issues. Since I don't have the artistic bug to help me cope, I think I should go back to something that helped me when I was going through those awkward teenage years

The door was locked and bolted
and yet you still make your impression.
Years have passed and we said our goodbyes,
still you continue to make me aware
of your existence.

Never again will I feel the same way,
to be that young girl that still
loses her breath when you enter the room.
Never again will I fear the unknown
since you left and made me realized
you never wanted me.

My path is set and I will continue foward
to my desire, my dream, my life.
You may have made me wonder
once upon a time,
but now my heart belongs to another
and it's your turn to wish
what could have been.

New Years sucked with no plans to actually enjoy the new start since I had to work New Years Day.

Mom's health is deteoriating, my personal life is suffering, and I'm about done with it all. If things don't work out this summer, then I'm out. I'm done. I can't deal with this anymore. I've put my dreams on hold for far too long.

I have a 5-day mini vacation from work, and have been spending it with friends and family. Sis and her family are in from England, and will be leaving on New Years. In between visiting with her, I was able to meet up with a good friend of mine on Saturday night. Everything went smoothly, and even though it had been 5 years, it felt like time had never passed. I hate saying goodbyes, so I tried very hard to just hug and walk away without the tears escaping from my already wet eyes. I have been having an outer body experience ever since. My mind just wanders even if someone is talking directly to me.

I have come to the realization that despite living under the safety of my starry night sky, that I'm still captivated by my shooting star. Everything I want, and yet cannot have.

just received my grades:

O.Chem: B
Physics Lab: A
Physics: D

What the hell??? I thought my grade would have been part of the curve, but apparently I did worse on the final. I seriously thought I had a C on the last test, and at least a C on the final, but knowing how hard those previous tests were, I'm almost postive he gave me a D just to show that he wasn't very generous in curving. Dammit.

I'm not taking the class again. I had two different professors for my Physics lab and Physics lecture, guess which one I prefer???

I refuse to dish out another $200 for that damn class.

The semester finally came to a close this week, and I have a long break till January 20th. I have been working my butt off for the last few days, and waiting patiently for my grades to be posted. My sis and her familly are in town for a couple of weeks, so...yeah. If I don't post again it's because my head exploded being around my entire family this holiday season.

I'll be so happy when all of this crap is over. I have been dealing with shitty people for well over a month, and I'm done trying to smile and be polite to those that deserve a swift kick in the face.

The plus side, I am going to head over to my friend's house and have a little party to swap gifts. The only plus side to this holiday is spending time with friends and giving gifts.

I have one more final then I'm done with the semester. My O.Chem test was pretty easy, and my Physics lab final was a cinch. Now I just have to worry about my Physics final on Tuesday. I'm hoping for a C in Physics and a B in O.Chem, so that will be my Christmas gift.

My gifts I ordered have yet to be sent. What I thought was gifts I ordered from theanimalrescuestie.com, turned out to be nothing that i ordered. I called, and they told me to keep what was sent, and they would resend my order again. However, they have to refund a couple of items that I orderd over two weeks ago since they no longer have them in stock. Grrr. Nothing is going right for me this holiday season. Between the craptasticness of the wrong gifts and receiving the bill from the hospital. I owe $1000 from my stay in the hospital in November. Like I really have any money. sheesh...


Holidays suck.

till finals and then I'm done with the semester. I've been busting my butt in my classes and now I'm just hoping for a C in Physics and a B in O.Chem. I know I'll have an A in both labs, but the grading system keeps messing with me. As far as I know, the professors round up from the class average, but I have a feeling I'll be in the lower half of the class with a terrible grade in my Physics class. Just a hunch, and maybe because the class sucks big donkey balls!


My hours have been extended at work. I'm pulling anywhere from 30-35 hours a week, when I should be only getting 20. Partly due to the mall extending their hours (Nazis!) and because I'm being dumped on since another chick is preggers and is milking it for all its worth. Apparently she's getting morning sickness, and has been calling me nonstop to take all of her early shifts at work. Why am I being punished for her being pregnant? I agreed to it this time, but not anymore. I've already switched like 4 shifts with the chick in under a month.

I'm tired and cranky.

I finished most of my Christmas shopping online. Just need to buy some presents for the parents, and then Ben's side of the family, and I'm done.

I'm working Black Friday 2-11. I wouldn't mind it so much, but I'll be working all freaking weekend. Not to mention, I'm working till 10:30 on Monday night, and then I have to go to school in the morning. BALLS!

Turns out Thanksgiving may suck a bit since my family isn't coming in till Christmas. My brother and his wife will be working and can't get away. My sis and her family cannot get a flight in from England until the 3rd week of December, so I won't see them either. I'll be working longer hours and possibly every weekend until after Christmas, so little time will be spent with friends and family this year.

I've hit a major rough patch in personal life. I would go more into detail, but things are slowly on the mend. I don't want to jinx it.

I saw Twilight on Friday night..and I really enjoyed it! However, the chick that played Bella was irritating, and I could do without the gaggle of screaming teenyboppers in the middle of the theatre, but overall...not too bad. Edward was freaking hot, and he could nibble on me any day! I would definitely see the movie again, and will most likely buy it when it comes out on DVD. Found out that they plan to make all 4 films from the series, and they just got the green light to make New Moon. YAY!